Expeditionary Force by Craig Alanson Wiki
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Expeditionary Force by Craig Alanson Wiki

These are a few memorable lines, quotes and short passages from the ExForce books.

Columbus Day

  • "Anyway, am I interrupting anything?" I indicated Constantine with my thumb. "No, I was talking to Smirky McJerkoff here." "Mister Bishop, you making my poi-" Constantine huffed. "Sorry, I meant to say Doctor Smirky McJerkoff." "Ah, yes," Skippy laughed, "I had the great displeasure of speaking with Doctor McJerkoff earlier today." ~Skippy, Joe and Dr. "Smikry McJerkoff" Constantine
  • "Ba-na-nas" ~Skippy
  • “Colter, you really want to be in a tank, fighting against an enemy that can shoot down from orbit? That's a quick ticket to a long dirt nap.” ~Amos Gonzalez
  • “But you’re not that smart, I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.” “Vist- that was a long time ago!” “It’s still an insult to computers across the galaxy.” ~Skippy, Joe
  • “Hell, Bish, I want to kill a moose so I can eat it, not vaporize the damned thing. Hunting licenses ain’t cheap.” ~ Tom Paulson
  • "Here's a simple test to tell whether a guy wants to get together with a girl: Step One- does he have a pulse? Step Two- is he conscious?" ~Skippy
  • "Hey, you hear the one about the Scottish guy? He's sitting at a bar, drowning his sorrows in whiskey. So he says to the Bartender, he says, 'You build 30 houses and when you walk down the street, do people say, "There goes MacDougal the home builder."? No. They don't.' And then he says, 'You save 5 children from a burning building and when you walk down the street, do people say, 'There goes MacDougal, the rescuer.'? No. They don't.' Then MacDougal says,'But you fuck one sheep...'" ~Valdez
  • “How about we go for something more formal, like Skippy McSkippster?” “No.” “Skippy Skipperson? Skippy Skippkowski? Skippy Von Skipping? Or maybe Sir Skippy Skippton-Skippersworth?” ~Joe,
  • "I'll break it down for you Barney style" ~Skippy
  • "Oh for Christ's sake. You idiot men are afraid to ride around in a truck that says 'Softie' on it? Get over yourselves. I'll drive the damned thing" ~Susie Tobin
  • "'Oops'!? Skippy, that's one big fuck'n 'Oops'!" ~Joe
  • "Overkill is underrated" ~Skippy
  • "Remember, foreigners are stupid, so you have to talk loud and slow so they will understand you." ~Joe
  • "Spacesuits." ~Joe
  • "What was that equation you gave him?" Skippy made a raspberry sound. "Damned if I know. I threw together a bunch of superstring bullshit. It looks good, though." I laughed. "Skippy, you can be evil sometimes." Damn. I even saw a little smile on Sergeant Kendall's face. Maybe she did have a sense of humor. "Hey, it'll keep him quietly playing with himself for days." "The expression is playing by himself." "Depends on how excited he gets, huh?" ~Joe, Skippy
  • "You hush now," Skippy admonished. "You can't sit at the big people's table, and talk to me again, until you solve the equation I've just sent to your phone. Run along now, that's a good boy." Constantine pulled out his phone suspiciously, then his eyebrows met his hairline, he shot me a look that could have melted icebergs, and he walked away, muttering excitedly. ~Skippy
  • “You must be sentient in there, because nobody would program a computer to be such an asshole.” ~Joe

Spec Ops

  • "BLUF it for me, Skippy." ~Joe
  • "Filthy monkeys!" ~Skippy
  • "Florida man status" ~Skippy
  • "Hold my Beer!" ~Skippy, ~Joe
  • “I talk, you listen; me smart, you monkey.” Skippy
  • "Monkeys kick ass," ~Margaret Adams
  • "Shmaybe?" ~Skippy
  • "Stupid monkeys!" ~Skippy
  • "Well... heh, heh... You're NOT going to like this." ~Skippy

Paradise

  • "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" ~ Dr. Mark Friedlander
  • "Joe, I have studied all the literature about human female psychology, read all the books written by and for women, downloaded every blog, every Instagram or Pinterest post, watched every program on the Lifetime channel, listened in on conversations between women, and have chatted online with billions of your females. With all of my processing power, over the equivalent of millions of years of analysis, I have come to one simple conclusion about human females." "And what's that?" I asked eagerly. "Bitches be crazy.” ~Skippy, Joe
  • “The Count then proceeded to explain the importance of our mission to bring delicious chocolaty breakfast cereal to the children of the world, and how much Frankenberry cereal sucked by comparison. While talking, the Count picked a booger from his nose, tried to flick it away, then smeared it on his jacket lapel.” ~Skippy
  • "Trust the Awesomeness" ~Skippy

Trouble on Paradise

  • "I understood the human term 'knocking boots' to be a reference to mating rituals. That did confuse me; I do not see why boots would be involved. I thought human genitals were located," he pointed to his crotch, "rather than on your feet." ~Nert Dandurff
  • "Perhaps the human male mates with the boot, rather than with the female?" Nert pointed to Jesse. "Although, your boots are large, I did not think you were so well endow-" ~Nert Dandurff
  • "He did indeed insult you with that callsign, you are right to give it right back to him. As you stated, he is an asshole. The next time you speak with him, tell him ‘fuck you very much’," ~Nert Dandurff
  • "Yes, Nert, that is what ‘knocking boots’ means. Cornpone, Jesse," she blushed, "is showing he cares for me by cleaning my boots." "Ah," the alien boy nodded with sudden understanding. In halting English, he asked "this is a prelude to mating?" ~Shauna Jarrett, Nert Dandurff

Black Ops

  • "Dum Dum" ~Skippy
  • "Held together now with duct tape and a prayer." ~Skippy
  • "Striving for Competence" ~Skippy
  • "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ~Skippy, ~Joe
  • "You big jerk" ~Skippy

Zero Hour

  • "And you, a monkey who can’t count to twenty without using his toes, will revise my analysis." ~Skippy
  • "I do agree that a strong love for doing crazy shit seems to be a prerequisite for being part of this crew" ~Skippy
  • "Since Adams' proposal was clearly ridiculous, we ignored her." ~Joe
  • "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ~Skippy

Mavericks

  • "Ha! I’ve seen you with a rifle, Biffty-boy. Safest place for me if you’re shooting is right where I am, because you’ll never hit me from there." ~Surgun Jates
  • Jates pointed at the senior cadet. "Ass," then he pointed at his feet, "meet boot. Any questions?" ~Surgun Jates
  • "Helloooo, Joey," she said in a sultry voice. "Come in, we can have fun." ~Anastacia
  • "SKIPPY!" ~Joe
  • "Too bad," Jates made a honking sound and sent a thick wad of spit spinning through the air toward the three armed cadets. "You won’t ever get to put your plan into action, you dumb little shit." ~ ~Surgun Jates
  • "What? Did I hurt your wittle feelings?" Jates sneered. "You want to run to your momma because I said mean things to you? Would wittle Biffty-boy like his mommy to pat his furry wittle head and make the bad words stop?" ~Surgun Jates
  • "You are useless as a knitted condom!" ~Nert Dandurff
  • "You should not be snooping at my browser history!" "Ugh, you got that right. I felt like I needed a shower after reading-" ~Joe, Skippy

Renegades

  • "I followed your advice. First, I created an online avatar using a hipster douchebag starter kit, and-" "Wait. A what?" "A starter kit, Joe. Come on, try to keep up. You know, that stupid haircut, a handlebar mustache that is all the rage with hipsters this week, a vinyl record collection of alternative bands no one has ever heard of, a full-color Flintstones tattoo that is so uncool it’s cool, a checkerboard shirt with a leather vest over it. Your basic hipster. Then I accessorized, like adding or subtracting sideburns depending on whether sideburns are in style that day." ~Skippy, ~Joe
  • If I had been offered a choice between A) telling the bad news to Hans Chotek and B) shaving my head with a rusty cheese-grater, I would go for B) every time. ~Joe
  • "Ohhhhkay, Ok. Um, let me think of some comforting bullshit to tell you. Joe, everything will be all right. And, um, imagine I said whatever other meaningless platitudes people say at a time like this. Do you feel better now?" ~Skippy
  • "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ~Joe
  • "There is nothing I can do, and I am, um, I am overcome with grief at your impending and inevitable death. Yeah, that’s it. Grief is making me amuse myself at your expense." ~Skippy

  • Enter memorable quote

Deathtrap

  • "Cadet Dandurf," Jates spoke slowly, his voice strained with the effort of keeping himself from laughing. "If you want to advertise your services," he paused and made a choking sound, barely able to speak. "You can do that on the planetary network." ~Surgun Jates
  • “Czajka, I hear you humans have a pill for that.” Dave’s face turned white as the squad behind Jates burst into laughter. “That’s not-” “Report to the infirmary when you’re off duty,” Jates advised. “I don’t want to put your name on the Physically Unable to Perform list.” “I do not have a problem with my, with my,” Dave could not believe he was having that conversation, with an alien, on an alien planet. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Jates added in a softer tone. “I understand that happens to you humans sometimes. Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step toward solving it." ~Surgun Jates, Dave Czajka
  • "Jesus H. Christ, Colter. Were you a dumbass in a previous life, too? Because no one could manage to get that stupid in a single lifetime." ~Surgun Jates
  • “The Legion needs this particular goat to get fucked, and it ain’t gonna fuck itself, you hear?” ~Surgun Jates
  • "What I do not understand is why you say the word ‘cocksucker’ like it is a bad thing. Do human men not enjoy getting their-" ~Nert Dandurff
  • "You crashed it," Jates growled. "Colonel, we escaped an ambush. Civilians, but they were armed with rifles, rockets and small-caliber artillery. Czajka," he jerked a thumb toward the security contractor, "should never be allowed to drive anything more complicated than a tricycle." Perkins found it impossible to read the alien’s expression. "You don’t want to serve with him again?" "I didn’t say that," Jates’s eyes narrowed. "Your boyfriend is, as you humans say, a crazy motherfucker. I do not think any other human has survived unarmed combat against a Kristang," ~Surgun Jates, Perkins
  • "You picked a fine time to leave me Loose Wheel..." ~Dave Czajka
  • "You think this is funny, Czajka? You and Colter, I want you to get twenty envelopes, and have each person in your squads address one for their parents back home. Then," he continued as Dave and Jesse shared a look of raised eyebrows, "I will take a dump in each envelope and send it to their parents, to pay them back for the shit they sent to me." ~Surgun Jates

Armageddon

  • "Don't you know that if you recite the IKEA catalogue in the wrong order you can accidentally summon a demon..." ~Skippy
  • "Hey, if you want to crunch this math, go ahead, monkeyboy. You’d better kick off your shoes, because you will need to count to more than ten." ~Skippy
  • "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ~Joe

Valkyrie

  • "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ~Joe

Freefall

  • The cell nearest the entry corridor had its energy field deactivated and the cell door was open. Kinsta was standing over the body of a Thuranin. Or, it might have been the body of a Thuranin, it was hard to tell. "Damn it," Scorandum groaned. The situation had become complicated. He hated complications. "What the hell is going on?" Kinsta stared down at the mangled body of what had apparently been a Thuranin. "The Bosphuraq guards here told me they think it was a boating accident?" Scorandum gaped at the pair of Bosphuraq standing meekly up against the far wall of the hub. "Boating?" The pair of Bosphuraq heard the translation and bobbed their heads vigorously, doing their best to play the part of innocent bystanders. Turning back to the body on the floor, Scorandum crouched down. "Looks more like this guy got into an argument with a trash compactor." "Let’s go with that," Kinsta muttered with relief, tapping on his tablet. All he cared about was that he wasn’t getting blamed for the mess. ~Captain Scorandum, Sublieutenant Kinsta
  • “This guy,” Kinsta pointed to the adjacent cell, which contained another Thuranin body. “Apparently got access to a weapon, and killed himself.” “He killed himself, huh?” Scorandum stepped into the cell, avoiding the pools of blood on the floor. The body did exhibit signs of gunshot wounds, and the unlucky Thuranin did have a pistol clutched in one hand. “Kinsta, I count eleven bullet holes.” “So?” Scorandum bent down to pry the pistol from the dead cyborg’s hand. “So, this pistol holds only nine rounds.” He looked at the Bosphuraq. “Would one of you care to explain that?” The Bosphuraq looked at the deck or the ceiling, and one of the aliens ventured a guess. “He reloaded?” ~Sublieutenant Kinsta, Captain Scorandum and a Bosphuraq prisoner
  • “Um, I tagged it as ‘Assisted Suicide’?” “That is not remotely believable,” Scorandum complained. “We need a better story.” “You’re right.” He tapped the tablet again. “I’m changing it to ‘Involuntary Assisted Suicide’.” ~Sublieutenant Kinsta, Captain Scorandum

Critical Mass

  • "I am going to tear this lid off and take a big steamy Lizard dump in your can." ~Surgun Jates
  • "I will snap your neck like a dry twig... ...Sir." ~Surgun Jates
  • "Oooh, bad news, Joe," "While you were away, your shower filed for a restraining order." ~Skippy
  • "Perkiiiiiiiins!!!" ~Joe
  • "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ~Joe

Brushfire

  • Enter memorable quote

Breakaway

  • "Captain Scorandum," the Rindhalu official representative glared. "We demand an explanation!" "Yes, thank you," Scorandum breathed an exaggerated sigh of relief. "Excellent, then- Wait, what?" "We also demand an explanation for this outrage," Scorandum shook his head sadly. "When you get that explanation from the devious Maxolhx, please pass it along to us." "From the-" The spider’s hideous mouth gaped open. ~Rindhalu official representative and Captain Scorandum
  • "We also wish for an apology." "The Maxolhx do not apologize to any-" "You misunderstand me. We wish for an apology from you." "From us?" The spider screeched. "Of course. Under our mutual-defense treaty, you are required to defend us against attacks by your counterparts. This was a direct assault by a senior species force, against a second-tier client species of your coalition. You failed to protect us." "Aaargh!” ~Captain Scorandum and Rindhalu official representative
  • "No doubt you are deeply ashamed by your failure, and will compensate us by-" "Captain Scorandum! The explanation we demand is how a group of your ships came to be here, after we expressly forbid you to transfer more ships to the humans, and after you claimed this same group of ships was mysteriously stolen." "Oh? It seems fairly obvious to me." "It seems obvious to us, also. We await your apology." "An apology from us?” Scorandum’s main antennas dipped low over his eyes. ~Captain Scorandum and Rindhalu official representative
  • "Clearly, the Maxolhx stole those ships." "The- You are claiming the Maxolhx stole the ships from you, then brought them all the way here, before destroying them? That makes no sense!" "The methods of the enemy are inscrutable, certainly," the ECO captain sighed. "That is why we depend on our exalted patrons the Rindhalu, to warn us of impending danger, and to protect us. Which, I am reluctant to mention again, you failed to do." ~Captain Scorandum and Rindhalu official representative
  • "Aaargh! If the ships were indeed stolen from you, then please explain why one of your ships, the We Were Never Here, was found among the wreckage." Scorandum blinked. "Well, that also seems fairly obvious." "Really?” The spider’s voice dripped with scorn. "We await your rationale for that." "Clearly, Commander Fentenu of the We Were Never Here discovered the theft in progress, and bravely followed the enemy here, to determine their intentions. Sadly, the heroic efforts of her crew were unable to overcome the heinous perfidy of the enemy. Before she could report her findings to you, her ship was destroyed." ~Rindhalu official representative and Captain Scorandum
  • "That is your story?” The spider was incredulous. "Honored Representative, I do not see any other possible explanation." "You do not?” Scorandum shook his head, his antennas flopping side to side. "No." "How about this: those ships were never stolen. They were here, waiting for the humans to meet you, but instead the Maxolhx discovered your plan, and destroyed the ships before the humans could use them against all of us." ~Rindhalu official representative and Captain Scorandum
  • "That is a shocking and hurtful accusation," "corandum hung his head, his antennas drooping. "It also does not account for the facts." "What facts?" "If the humans were supposed to meet us here, where are they? We found no evidence any human ship was ever here." "Well-" The spider’s eyes blinked. "I mean, unless you found evidence that the humans were here, and chose not to share that information with us?" "We did not-" "Perhaps," Captain Scorandum glared at the image on the display, "your people wished to make sure those ships were not available for transfer, so you stole the ships, then gave the Maxolhx their location. Let your counterparts do your dirty work for you." ~Captain Scorandum and Rindhalu official representative
  • "How dare you?" The Rindhalu official raged. "We-" "Right now, I do not know what to believe. It appears the only thing the two of us can agree on, is that your people failed to live up to your treaty obligations." "That is not-" "Honored Representative, I am not accusing your people of acting in bad faith. Not yet." "You had better not be-" "It is possible that simple incompetence on your part is responsible for this tragedy." "AAARGH!" The spider’s image disappeared as the transmission was cut. ~Rindhalu official representative and Captain Scorandum
  • "You talked about it, but you blew the money on a wager, about when that star in the Pendol sector would go nova.” “I did?” “Yes, and when the star did not go nova on time, you tried to borrow more money from me.  Because apparently you think I am stupid.” “Come, Kinsta. I think you are generous and trusting.” Kinsta blinked. “Isn’t that what I just said?" ~Lieutenant Kinsta and Captain Scorandum
  • "All right, what does our glorious Home Fleet want this time?" Kinsta looked at the message on the tablet in his hand. "Would you like to place a wager about the contents of their message?" "Will you front me the money?" "Uh, no." "Then sadly, I must decline." ~Captain Scorandum and Lieutenant Kinsta

Fallout

  • Enter memorable quote

ExForce Book 14
(Tentatively Due for Release in June 2022)

  • "I'm feeling super lazy today. It's like a normal lazy, but I'm wearing a cape." ~Joe


ExForce Book 15
(Final book of the series)
(Tentatively Due for Release in December 2022)

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